Change is on the Way...

So last I wrote, I decided to be positive and see if that made any difference...  The next day I got an email from the boys' caseworker saying that there was no new info yet, but the AG's office thought we'd hear something this week.  Thursday...no news.  Friday morning, we got an email saying that the judge has denied foster mom's motion to intervene.  We emailed back to confirm whether or not the boys are ours..and what will happen next.  We are still waiting...  Our fingers are crossed, our prayers are still on our lips, and our hopes are oh so high.  We'll keep you posted.  :)

In the midst of all of this.... tomorrow morning we are taking Hailey to the Melmed center in Phoenix to be evaluated.  We believe that she has an anxiety disorder, and may possibly be on the autism spectrum.  She was rashly diagnosed with ADD a few months ago after one visit and a one page evaluation.  We were sent home with a prescription and a pat on the back.  Tomorrow is our second opinion/more thorough evaluation visit.  We want nothing more than to give her all the tools she needs to be happy, successful and living at her full potential.  She is brilliant, compassionate, hilarious and oh so sweet.  There is no one in the world like her.  Tonight I am battling fears of what tomorrow will bring.  Anything they tell us will just help us.  My head knows that, my heart is trying to catch up.

On top of it all, my little man is sleeping over at a friend's house alone for the first time, my little sister moved away to California tonight and the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders.  At least the Sun's won :) Lol...

So the theme of the week is change.  New beginnings.  New information.  If I am in the right frame of mind to take it all in, I think that whatever comes our way will be beneficial.  So for now, I'm off to put on my rosy colored glasses, snuggle in for a good night's rest, and start this week off on the right foot.

Thoughts Become Things...

So tomorrow is Wednesday, which in my world has come to mean "the 1st possible day of each week to get any news at all," since we now know the boys' caseworker only works Wednesday through Friday. 

I realized at some point this week, when someone asked about the twins, that I haven't been thinking about them or our situation nearly as much lately.  I've been keeping myself occupied and more heavily involved with Hails and Zachy, and just haven't been in that same place of desperation that I was living in last month.  While this is good for my daily contentment and peace of mind, I worry that I may have already given up in my mind.  I don't think about what it will be like when they get here anymore, I don't picture tucking them in, I don't imagine them calling me Mama or the first time I hold them... It's as though I've already decided it's not going to happen, in an attempt to protect myself from getting my hopes us any further. 

And then I remembered that a while back I saw a bumper sticker that simply said "thoughts become things."  To me this is similar to what Gandhi was saying when he taught: 

Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.

So for tonight, I will expect miracles.  I will choose to believe that tomorrow has the potential to be the day that my boys, my Elijah and Isaiah, will be one day closer to coming home to me.  I will envision the judge reviewing our case and deciding in our favor.  I will imagine the phone call or email I will receive in the morning from their caseworker, with great news!  I am going to test this theory and come at tomorrow from a place of expectation and joy, knowing that good things are on the way for us!  After all, tomorrow will be just as wonderful as we expect it to be.

Waiting is the hardest part...

Ugh...  Just got an email from the boys' caseworker, after more than a week of waiting for her to reply to our last email.  Nothing new.  No court date set yet, no news from the AG's office, no medical records still...I just don't understand.  I really don't/  I want to believe that she is working as hard as she can for us, but it really doesn't feel like it.  If this is a test of patience, I'm not sure that I'm passing at this point...

When the Stars Align...

Today was a very good day.  We met with a family that our caseworker introduced us to.  They have a biological son, 12 years old, that has cerebral palsy, autism and is legally blind.  They have also adopted a son, 4 years old, that has a G-tube as the result of intestinal problems. 

We pulled up in front of their house, and nervously fixed ourselves as we waited for them to answer, not knowing what to expect.  They opened the door to greet us, as did their three big dogs, and we were ushered in.  Their home was lovely and well decorated.  They were pleasant and friendly and extremely welcoming.  We sat at their kitchen table and shared our adoption journey's with each other. 

There oldest son was born at 24 weeks, which caused his disabilities.  They beamed with pride as they told us about all that he has overcome, the wonderful and sweet boy that he is, and how blessed they feel to have him, just as he is, in their lives.  They shared stories of how popular he is at school and how he loves swimming and roller coasters. 

They decided to add another child to their family through adoption and waited a long time to find the right child.  They decided not to go for a "normal, healthy" child, because there are so many kids in the foster system with medical issues who won't get adopted, because too many people are intimidated by the idea of it.  They said they thought about how they would feel if it was their son on the site, and no one wanted to adopt him because of his disabilities, and how much of who he is people don't see, just by looking at him.  It gave me goose bumps to hear them talk about it.  I felt inspired.

Their 4 year old son proudly showed us his g-tube and told us all about it.  He explained to us that it doesn't hurt at all and said that he uses it to eat.  Hailey and Zach were cautiously fascinated by it all.  Mom and Dad gave us a demonstration and showed us what his formula looks like, and how his night time set up works.  It was really good for us to see and touch the equipment.  It helped us to realize that G-tubes are really not as intimidating or scary as we thought they would be.  Everything was very user friendly and self explanatory. 

We joked and laughed for about an hour before we parted ways.  We agreed to keep in touch and get together again soon.  It feels good to know we will have them as a resource if we do get our boys. 

Today was just what we needed.  We needed to see that a family could have joy and stability in spite of disabilities and challenges.  They were really no different than any other family I know.  If anything, they were stronger, happier, more grateful and more a team, than anyone I've met.  It was beautiful.  Even if we don't get our boys, I am glad we met the Star family today. 

My Flesh and Blood

I took some time today to watch a documentary called My Flesh and Blood.  It was about a single woman from California, Susan Tom, and her journey adopting 11 children with special needs.  I expected it to be touching, but I didn't expect to be so entirely moved by it.  It was beautiful, and gut wrenching and inspring and amazing.  If you are interested the movie is currently available through Netflix.  It won many awards, including the Sundance Film Festival Audience Award for 2003.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0342804/

It left me wanting more...I spent the rest of the day researching the family online.  As it turns out, Extreme Home Makeover did an episode on the family in 2005!  I was really happy to see that.  I love when good things happen to good people.  :)

The weekend is here, and we still haven't heard anything from CPS on the boys.  In some ways it's hard knowing we won't here anything for three days at least (MLK day on Monday) but it's also nice knowing I won't need to check my email every five minutes either.  On a positive note, we have plans to meet another family who adopted a young boy with a G-tube and have a biological son with cerebral palsy.  This should be very interesting and inspiring!  They went through the same adoption agency we are going through, so I think it will be helpful to talk to someone who has come through on the other side.  I'm hopeful it will give us perspective.

Facing the right direction...

It's been a frustrating week so far...I'm trying very hard to be patient and positive.  Every day that goes by without us learning something new or making progress towards our goal feels like a wasted day.  So you can imagine my excitement when we finally heard back from the boys' caseworker today.  But alas, no new information learned.  She is working on getting thier medical records, but we won't even get to review them unless the judge decides things in our favor.  She also said that the AG's office thinks the court will grant foster mom the ability to be a 3rd party to the hearing.  (We're hoping that won't give her access to any of our personal information.)  No one knows yet when the hearing will be either.  Caseworker says she thinks it will probably go in our favor, but may take time.  But time is such a relative term...does that mean days, weeks, months..a year.  I emailed back requesting a less vague answer, but we'll see....  So for now, I continue to wait... I wish I could say today was a step in the right direction, but doesn't feel like we're moving at all.  Maybe we're at least facing the right direction...

So for today, life goes on.  Josh is back at work.  Kids are having some quiet time before bed.  I'm taking a moment for myself before I tuck them in.  Then it's dishes, laundry, frontierville...anything to distract myself until we get to tomorrow, where maybe we'll learn something new.

The Boys...

I’m going to refer to the boys as Elijah and Isaiah, because that is what we intend to name them when/if they become ours. 

With all of Isaiah’s special needs, we felt sure we’d get mixed feelings from our friends and family about our decision to move forward with the adoption, and we did.  While everyone seemed excited for our opportunity to grow our family, they were certainly concerned about how taking on a special needs child would affect our marriage, our finances and our current family dynamic.  We too were scared.  We talked a lot about worst case scenarios and what could go wrong and what we would need to sacrifice and how our friends and family would feel about our decision.  At the core of it all though, we felt a peace about it all.  Somehow, we felt ready to commit to these little boys, who we knew so little about, who we’d never met nor even seen a picture of.  In that respect, it’s very much like being pregnant.  We felt ready to defend them, advocate for them, protect them and love them unconditionally…if only the powers that be would choose us.

Within a few days, the committee meeting was scheduled.  Our fate would be determined on December 17^th.  We patiently waited for the day to come.  We tried hard not to get our hopes up, just in case it didn’t go in our favor.  We were determined that if this was right, God would move the committee to choose us.  I honestly just tried to busy myself with thinking of anything else.

The day came…it was the last day of school for Hailey and Zach before Christmas break.  I volunteered to be in their classes that day so I’d have a distraction.  While our caseworker represented us at a meeting downtown, I helped 2^nd graders with a wrapping paper contest and ate reindeer cupcakes.  Josh got off work that morning and waited at home by his phone.  Just as the party died down, my phone rang.  I stepped into the hallway and answered hopefully.  Then I heard the words I’d longed to hear for almost a year… “We were matched!”

As a thousand questions ran through my mind, calmness filled my soul.  This is real.  They chose us.  God chose us.  I have four kids now.  I’m a Mommy again.  I got my boys…  Within an hour we were sent pictures of them.  Beautiful.  Angelic.  Precious.  Amazing.  My little Isaiah has the most amazing smile you’ve ever seen, with twinkly little eyes that smile too.  And Elijah, what a heartbreaker, he has such handsome brown eyes.  He will be a charmer, for sure. 

The next step was to attend a full disclosure meeting.  This would be a chance for us to meet the boys’ doctors, caseworker and foster mom.  This would be our chance to receive all information on them since they entered care, learn more about Isaiah’s special needs, and ask any questions we might have and to set us a transition plan.  Normally the meeting would have been within a few days, but because of the holidays, it was scheduled for December 29^th. 

We immediately began scouring yard sales and craigslist for baby items.  We wanted to be as prepared as possible!  At this point, it was like we had just found out we were in our last trimester of pregnancy…and with twins!  It was a very exciting time.  We lovingly chose their names.  Elijah Matthew, because it means “Gift from God,” and Isaiah Andrew, because of the Bible verse Isaiah 40:31.  We decided we’d give them a Toy Story themed room, and set out to find things to adorn it with.  We filled the days with painting and building cribs and washing baby clothes and learning as much as CP as we could.  It was now the night before the meeting, and we couldn’t sleep.  I had just so many questions and scenarios swirling through my head.  I didn’t know how to sleep, I was too anxious.  I moved out to the couch in the wee hours of the morning, hoping a change of scenery would help.  It didn’t, it only gave me a sore shoulder and an excuse to drink extra coffee.  I had no idea what to wear.  I wanted to make a really good impression in person.  What does a “good mother” look like anyways? 

It was a very unseasonably rainy day when we left the house.  I love the rain, and took it as a good sign.  We dropped the kids off with family and set off to find the address.  We got there too early (over achievers) and waited in the car.  I told Josh that I had a bad feeling, but it was probably just nerves.  We found the suite and waited for our appointment.  Soon after the boys’ caseworker greeted us and led us to a conference room.  We waited there, alone, for what seemed like an eternity, but was probably only five minutes.  Once our caseworker arrived, the meeting began.  I was immediately very aware that it was just us and the caseworkers; no doctors, no therapists, no foster mom. 

The boys’ caseworker explained that their foster mom would not be joining us, and that she was very upset about the boys being adopted.  She wanted to adopt them herself, and was not approved (for personal reasons, not concerning the boys’ safety).  We were told that she was not returning phone calls to CPS and that she had hired an attorney to fight the adoption.  We were told that there was a chance the boys would not become a part of our family.  I was shocked.  I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.  We were told that with the holidays, it could be a few days before a judge reviewed the case and made a decision on how to proceed.  If the judge decided to remove the boys from her care, we would have the option of them coming straight into our home or into a medically fragile foster home, from where we could transition them into our home.  Our initial thought was that of course, we wanted them to just come straight to us, so they wouldn’t have the trauma of moving twice.  However, since we do not have training on Isaiah’s special needs yet, nor have they even met us yet, we decided that it would be in everyone’s best interest if we transition from a foster home instead.

That was December 29^th, and today is January 10^th.  We’re still waiting.  We’ve called and emailed a few times, but not much progress has been made yet.  No medical records yet.  No word from a judge and no court date yet.  All we can do is wait.  It’s absolute torture.  It’s frustrating as hell.  But, what choice do we have?  We can be angry or sad or bitter, but it won’t change the outcome or move things along any faster.  So, for now…we will keep hope in our hearts, we’ll pray for what their foster mom is going through on her end, continue loving on the kiddos we have already been blessed with, keep our eyes out for good deals on baby stuff and try not to go crazy while we wait for the metaphorical ultrasound to come back with or without a heartbeat.

I can honestly say that if foster mom is able to care for them and love them and provide for their every need, they should stay with her.  Of course I want them for myself, but more than that, I want what is best for them, and because they are already bonded to her and are doing well in her home, they should stay, if they can and I would gladly concede.  If they cannot stay with her though, I will gladly give them every day I have left on this earth.  I want to paint the canvas of their lives with laughter and love and hope and snuggles and birthday parties and tickle fights and ice cream and joy that overflows through their words and smiles and becomes a legacy of love that is passed down to the next generation.  These boys are special.  They will change this world.  Even if I am not the one who gets the privilege of raising them, they have already changed mine. 

Timeline

We had always talked about adoption as a future goal for us.  On our second date we said we'd have two of our own and adopt two more someday.  As the years passed, and we had our two children, we realized how expensive adoption was and put it to the back burner.  It became more of a dream than a goal..."I'd like to win the lottery..."  "I'd love to go to Spain..."  "I'd love to adopt a child..." 

January 2010 -

Our adoption journey began in January 2010, after the earthquake in Haiti.  We were so moved by the reports of all the children who had lost their parents, their homes, their everything!  We decided it was time to really look into adoption again and see what we could find.  I remember we were driving in the car and I googled "adoption Arizona" on Josh's cell phone.  The first thing that came up was a link to a local adoption agency, Building Arizona Families.  The site described the different types of adoptions available, some of which we hadn't heard of.  One type was Interstate Adoption; adopting children out of the foster system within the United States.  This, being the most affordable type, was what we decided to explore first. 

We called the agency the next day and asked everything we could think of.  Turns out this type of adoption is very affordable and that there are LOTS of beautiful, amazing, loving children in foster homes all over the country, just waiting to find their forever families.  We talked it out as a couple and as a family, and decided that we wanted to change someone's life, and in doing so, change our own.

February 2010 -

In February, we had our first visit with our caseworker.  She came to our home, went over the entire process with us, let us ask questions and inspected our home.  She left us with a lot of paperwork to complete and a list of our next steps. 

The next step in getting us matched with a child was to have a completed Home Study.  We had to get our fingerprints taken, have background checks done, provide several personal references,  and each write autobiographies.  (That was quite a journey into self awareness!!)  This took weeks to complete and then several more weeks to have the courts review.  In that time we had another visit from our caseworker, to interview us and our children, and inspect our home again. 

March 2010 –
Next step, classes!!  Another part of our preparation was completing ten weeks of classroom training.  We talked about some of the reasons kids come into care, what they may be feeling, how they may behave as a result and the best ways to cope.  Some nights were easier than others.  It was very emotional for me to hear about what some of them had been through.  It sent me on a journey through my childhood and my sense of self.  It made me question a lot of things and made me stronger as a woman and a mother.  It made me even more certain that I wanted to adopt.

June 2010 –
Our classes ended the first week of June.  We felt like college graduates, ready to hit the road running!  Our next step was the hardest…waiting.  We had to wait for the court to grant us our Certification to Adopt before we could inquire on any children, but that didn’t stop us for from searching.  We created a spreadsheet, and started spending an hour a day searching every photolisting we could find from every state.  We were shocked by how many waiting children there were out there!  Then on June 9^th, we got the letter we’d been waiting for!  We were so very excited, we inquired on half a dozen kids that day.  We began inquiring on about 3-5 kids per week, every week, never hearing much of anything back from anyone.  We got the occasional request for our homestudy, and our caseworker would send it out on our behalf.  After about three months, we started to get discouraged.  We knew it could take a while to get matched, but we were hoping we’d be the exception to the rule.

September 2010 –
Then in September, right after my 30^th birthday, we got a call from our caseworker that there was a little boy, 8 months old, here in Arizona, and his caseworker was interested in us as a potential match.  We were stunned!  They came to us?!  We didn’t think that ever happened!  We felt like this must be "it: because this just doesn’t happen!!  We read his profile and decided that we wanted to move forward.  The staffing meeting to select his new family was set for the following week.  It was between us and two other families.  We were nervous, but also very sure of ourselves.  We had faith that things would go in our favor.  We didn’t tell very many people, because we were scared to jinx it, but the day of the meeting, we had our close friends and family standing by for the good news.  The meeting was supposed to last about two hours, and then it would be another hour for the decision to be made.  We waited..and waited and then our caseworker called and said the meeting went well.  We definitely had a good shot of getting chosen!!  Then we waited and waited…and waited.  Hours passed.  We called our caseworker, but she hadn’t heard anything yet.  Later in the afternoon, we got a call from her, letting us know that the decision had been emailed to her and she was on the road and didn’t get it.  The committee selected another family.  We were heartbroken, to say the least.  I felt like, this was our one shot.  I was mad.  I felt like God was teasing us.  But, God doesn’t work that way.  So I strengthened my resolve, kept searching the photo listing and got myself a puppy.  <3
 
December 2010 – By December, we were distracted thinking about Christmas and adoption was on the back burner.  We were driving around as a family, listening to Christmas music and looking at lights when Josh’s phone rang.  It was our caseworker, and she had exciting news.  Another caseworker read our homestudy and was interested in us…for twin baby boys!  My heart raced with anticipation as she started describing the boys to me, and then I thought…Josh will never go for this, it’s too much for us.  The boys were 16 months old, living here in an Arizona foster home.  One was healthy, one was not so fortunate.  As a result of extreme child abuse at 10 weeks old, he developed cerebral palsy.  He has some paralysis on the left side of his body and is fed through a G-tube in his belly.  I told her I needed to talk to Josh and we’d call her back.  We took the weekend to think, pray, cry, research and talk about the boys.  We really felt God telling us to take the next step, and at least throw our hats in the ring.  And so we did…

Welcome!

Hi Friends and Family!

We created this blog to keep everyone up to date on our adoption journey. Our feelings have been everchanging. There have been moments of unfathomable joy, pure heartache and unexpected twists.

This has truly been a pregnancy of the heart...