Our McDonald's play date on Sunday went wonderfully. We had a blast hanging out with the boys and getting to know each other better. Afterwords, we spent a few hours just hanging out with foster mom and all of the kids (our 2, her 2, and our shared 2). Josh put together their new playhouse (he's so sweet) and she and I went over my obnoxiously long list of questions. As our visit concluded, we hugged and said goodbye. We confirmed our plans to pick up the boys the next day for our overnight visit.
We arrived right at 11:00am and eagerly rang the bell. The door opened and through the screen we could hear little baby hellos and cooing. We hugged and hello'ed like old friends, and made ourselves at home on the floor with the kids. Foster mom had everything all ready for us; clothes, formula, meds, instructions. We went over the boys' feeding, sleeping and medicine schedule one more time. We headed out to try and match up nap time with the hour and half long car ride back to our house. Foster mom's 8 year old son admitted that he was scared he'd never see his little brothers again. Josh promised him that he would. Foster mom started to tear up, so we took that as our cue to leave. The ride home was a blast. We all danced and giggled the whole way home! I sat in the middle, as official toy retriever and goldfish administrator. No one napped, not even close.
Josh held Isaiah, I held Elijah, and Hailey and Zach led us into the house, for the first time, we were all home, together. It felt so good. We changed diapers and got cleaned up. The dogs came in to inspect the newbies and thoroughly sniffed and licked them until they were sure we were safe. The boys giggled and pet the pups, it was really cute. We made Elijah's favorite for dinner - macaroni and cheese with hot dogs in it! He ate 2 helpings and drank some milk. After baths and fresh jammies, we snuggled on the couch and played with toys and read books. At 7:30, we headed to their room for bed. Foster mom had warned us that they would cry for just a few minutes but they would go to sleep if left alone, and sleep 12 hours. I wondered if it was some kind of trick....it sounded too good to be true. In true Trina fashion, I tried everything I could think of to calm them for a good half hour, before I conceded to the hallway to sit outside their door and try not to cry, myself. After about ten minutes, like magic...it was silent!! Hailey and Zach anxiously guarded the baby monitor and alerted us to every sound they heard, which turned out to be Isaiah's feeding machine every time.
Like clockwork, I woke every couple of hours to stare at the monitor. Once I was sure they were asleep, I drifted back off. I woke up at 6:00am to Hailey standing over me, alerting me that Isaiah's feeding machine was beeping. I told her I knew, but that it just meant it was done. She was relieved and went back to bed. My favorite part of the whole day was going into their room this morning to see their sleepy, smiley faces looking back at me! :) It was absolutely priceless.
The morning was filled with cheerios, bananas, more dancing, giggles and playing. We dropped Hailey and Zach off, and headed on out to the other side of town to drop our babies back off. The drive went smoothly, and as Murphy's Law would have it, both of them fell asleep about a mile from their foster home.
Foster mom greeted us, and the boys seemed happy to see her again. Foster mom gave us a beautiful potted orchid, as a gift from her family. We thanked her and hugged her, touched by her kind gesture. We talked about how the night went for each of us,; how noisy my house was this morning and how quiet hers was. Looking back on it, this was a good trial run for all us. We had a heart to heart about how we were all feeling. We admitted that we felt guilty, knowing that in order for us to have this joy, she had to have this pain. She admitted that while she is hurting, she knows it's not our fault and doesn't blame us. We comforted each other and agreed that we all just want what's best for Elijah and Isaiah. We asked if we could have a copy of the family picture she had proudly displayed in her living room. We want to put it in the boys' room to help them remember her and the wonderful care she has given them over the past year. I told her that I dodn't want to go too long without getting together for a visit, and she said she didn't want to interfere with our bonding process with the boys. We decided that phone calls, emails and picture would be a good start and we'd work up to play dates in the near future. We left with smiles on our faces, but inside I felt awful.
Josh and I verbally vomited the whole way home, analyzing the situation from every angle. We both still feel a sense of guilt for the pain that foster mom is in, and after only one day of playing house with the boys, we miss them so much. I cried and felt sick to my stomach, like an executioner, just doing his job, but still the one to pull the trigger and end someone's life. I know that this feeling will pass with time, and we will all heal and grow. God will not lead us to it, without guiding us through it.
So for now, I will put my house back together and wash tiny jammies, knowing that it will only be a few short days until it will all be undone, and I couldn't be more excited for that. <3
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